As a fellow survivor of clergy abuse and the victim of inscrutable injustice by the Church, I applaud your transparency and courage. You have the heart and soul of a writer Emily and the tenacity to be the voice for the silent. Thank you.
If you're interested in connecting with other survivors, and if you're not connected with it already, there's an organization called Awake that's been immensely helpful to me, headed by Sara Larson.
Emily, thank you for this. While I never suffered from scrupulosity as you have (I'm so, so very sorry, by the way), I did have intense and chronic anxiety for most of my life. One of the worst side effects of my anxiety was that I learned/taught myself to *not* listen to my intuition/gut, because I felt like I couldn't trust my own mind or thoughts. The truth was that a big part of my anxiety was that my body was screaming one thing at me while my mind tried to explain it away. When I finally--finally!--got a therapist who actually taught me to calm my nervous system, I was able to actually listen to my Holy Spirit-infused intuition (and pray/go to mass without having a panic attack about my vocation). It was life-changing. And becoming a mother has been an even deeper healing in that regard. Now, when my body says "something is off", I LISTEN. I wish that it hadn't taken me 30 some years to get to this point, but I'm so grateful that I'm here.
I entered a wormhole reading this, re-living buried memories. It feels like it all happened to other people. It doesn't quite feel real. Yet, it was. I appreciate the you taking me back. What a ride.
I was in a very dysfunctional (Protestant) ministry as a college student, and so much of what you say really resonates with me. One of my biggest life takeaways over the years as I've processed it is that there's no such thing as someone the rules just don't apply to! That seems like it should be so obvious...but it was a lightbulb moment for me to realize that I could ask myself "If literally anyone else was doing this, would it seem weird/creepy/wrong/out of bounds?" and that I could then trust the answer to that question. I really hope I can set my kids up to recognize predatory behavior better than I was able to.
I've found myself applying that rule with another situation, following it, and then finding out that the other person was, indeed, nuts. It was a painful situation, but it was affirming to realize I actually had learned something I could use to protect myself and my kids.
Emily, it took tremendous courage for you to share your story here, and I applaud you for doing so as it will embolden other survivors to take the necessary steps to move forward and overcome their own trauma.
Years ago, a friend of mine who was a professor at a Catholic university in Oklahoma was approached by several female members of his class who reported that they had been sexually abused by members of the clergy that were a part of the faculty there, including one monk. He took their allegations very seriously and reported them to the school's administration. When they tried to dissuade him of these complaints and ignore him, he went to the local media to get the attention he felt this issue demanded. After he did that, he was dismissed as a professor at this university after years of working there, which impacted his role as a husband, father, and provider to his children. He still had no regrets, even up to the time when he passed away at an early age.
People like you and my friend deserve to be heard, to be seen, and to have your stories honored as they are stories of doing what is right, what is difficult, and what is brave in the face of often seemingly insurmountable trauma and pain. I am in awe of you and your strength that you have to recognize what you have gone through but not let it define you.
As a fellow survivor of clergy abuse and the victim of inscrutable injustice by the Church, I applaud your transparency and courage. You have the heart and soul of a writer Emily and the tenacity to be the voice for the silent. Thank you.
I'm glad it was helpful. ❤️
If you're interested in connecting with other survivors, and if you're not connected with it already, there's an organization called Awake that's been immensely helpful to me, headed by Sara Larson.
Wishing you all healing and peace.
Emily, thank you for this. While I never suffered from scrupulosity as you have (I'm so, so very sorry, by the way), I did have intense and chronic anxiety for most of my life. One of the worst side effects of my anxiety was that I learned/taught myself to *not* listen to my intuition/gut, because I felt like I couldn't trust my own mind or thoughts. The truth was that a big part of my anxiety was that my body was screaming one thing at me while my mind tried to explain it away. When I finally--finally!--got a therapist who actually taught me to calm my nervous system, I was able to actually listen to my Holy Spirit-infused intuition (and pray/go to mass without having a panic attack about my vocation). It was life-changing. And becoming a mother has been an even deeper healing in that regard. Now, when my body says "something is off", I LISTEN. I wish that it hadn't taken me 30 some years to get to this point, but I'm so grateful that I'm here.
That all sounds very familiar. And yes...better late than never!
I entered a wormhole reading this, re-living buried memories. It feels like it all happened to other people. It doesn't quite feel real. Yet, it was. I appreciate the you taking me back. What a ride.
Right? For me the further I get away from it, the more the bat sh*t crazy of it all comes into focus when I think about it.
I was in a very dysfunctional (Protestant) ministry as a college student, and so much of what you say really resonates with me. One of my biggest life takeaways over the years as I've processed it is that there's no such thing as someone the rules just don't apply to! That seems like it should be so obvious...but it was a lightbulb moment for me to realize that I could ask myself "If literally anyone else was doing this, would it seem weird/creepy/wrong/out of bounds?" and that I could then trust the answer to that question. I really hope I can set my kids up to recognize predatory behavior better than I was able to.
Yep.
I've found myself applying that rule with another situation, following it, and then finding out that the other person was, indeed, nuts. It was a painful situation, but it was affirming to realize I actually had learned something I could use to protect myself and my kids.
Emily, it took tremendous courage for you to share your story here, and I applaud you for doing so as it will embolden other survivors to take the necessary steps to move forward and overcome their own trauma.
Years ago, a friend of mine who was a professor at a Catholic university in Oklahoma was approached by several female members of his class who reported that they had been sexually abused by members of the clergy that were a part of the faculty there, including one monk. He took their allegations very seriously and reported them to the school's administration. When they tried to dissuade him of these complaints and ignore him, he went to the local media to get the attention he felt this issue demanded. After he did that, he was dismissed as a professor at this university after years of working there, which impacted his role as a husband, father, and provider to his children. He still had no regrets, even up to the time when he passed away at an early age.
People like you and my friend deserve to be heard, to be seen, and to have your stories honored as they are stories of doing what is right, what is difficult, and what is brave in the face of often seemingly insurmountable trauma and pain. I am in awe of you and your strength that you have to recognize what you have gone through but not let it define you.
Thank you. ❤️